Tuesday, October 25, 2011
It's over now
Well the last blog freed of some feelings that I held deep inside about my childhood. But I really had not let it all go, see there was one thing bothering me. I never understood why this happened to me. Why was I the target of ridicule, why was I the weird one, why didn't people like me? See the funny thing is I had convinced myself years ago that it didn't matter to me how people felt about me because I loved myself. And I really do love myself, I knew that my past had given me a confidence that was deep but there was still insecurities there. I had let the pass go and moved on. I didn't realize how my past really effected me until this year. 2011 has been a year of revelations for me. God has pulled some things out that I didnt even know was there. Today we dealt with the Why's. You see even though I put the past behind me, I had not really let it go. I just buried it in my big toe (so to speak) stored it away and this weekend it popped up again. I started having these feelings again, why this person didn't like me or accept me and it had me bummed out, not because they didn't like me but the Why? But what was really bothering me was the fact that I actually cared. In my mind a weak persons cares what others think, so it had me sad and angry all at the same time. Well I slept on it until this morning. This morning changed my life in 1 hour. In an hour God answered the question I had been asking all my life. Today on our church's prayer line, my Pastor dealt with frienemies. When she said the title I instantly knew today was for me. I heard God tell me we are dealing with this today. Before we started to pray my Pastor gave some scripture and background on frienemies. One thing she said stuck out, she said its not you that's being attacked it's the God in you. I begin to cry because I knew that's what had been going on in my life all my life. As a child I was always so happy, smiling and laughing. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE TO LAUGH. There is nothing in my life that makes me feel better (besides singing) than a good laugh. God started showing me my life and how my happiness made people dislike me. See they looked at my outside and decided that I had nothing to be happy about. In no shape or form was I what society said I was supposed to be yet I was smiling all the time. And it wasn't a fake smile is was genuine. That's what people were attacking, the part of me that knew God even when I didn't know I knew God. Today I thank God for deliverance. I actually feel this weight lifted off me and now that I understand I can truly start being who God has called me to be, I can go back to that genuinely happy person I used to be. The funny thing is in the last two months I have been going back to that person and the devil did everything in his power to break my spirit and I wouldn't let him. He had to open up some old wounds that hadn't healed to get under my skin. But I serve a GOD THAT IS AWESOME AND FAITHFUL and he came and delivered me THANK U JESUS!! It's like my Pastor always says, the devil shouldnt have kept me while he had me cause he fooled around and let me get SAVED for real
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sticks and Stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me. Not True words can hurt!!!
So I'm sitting here at work, thinking about how my life is changing. I realized that its time to set my soul free and talk about the thing I believe is my darkest demon As a child I was always so happy but I was tortured. I think this today's blog will be a tell all type of blog. All my life I've been a big girl, and as a kid sometimes it made my life hell. As a child I was teased unmercifully from being heavy, to my teeth, my hair, my voice, the way I talked, the way I sing anything they could find to belittle me they did. I was a very sensitive child so it really hurt me. I would come home and cry to my mom but I don't think she really knew what to do so she kinda dismissed it. The neighborhood kids all had older brothers and sisters so they would bother me because I didnt have anyone over me. Once I was sitting on the porch and it seemed like the whole neighborhood walked down and offered me some candy. I said yes and when they went to pour me some it was a dead bug inside. Of course I went in the house crying because I was only like 7 years old. Once my mom took me summer shopping and she bought me some plastic bangles. These girls from another block came over to me and asked could they see them. I let me and they ran off and went around the corner, when they came back they had broken them.
I remember when I was in elementary school, our school sponsored a summer camp/school and every year I went. Well this one summer I went and the first day I walked in and saw one of the mean girls from school. I remember being afraid and going into the bathroom and sitting there for like 1hour and a half. The teacher had to come and get me and I was crying because I didn't want to go out there with her. She wasn't a bully she just was teased me all the time. I remember sitting there in class with all these kids around me talking about me. All I could do was cry because I didn't know how to defend myself. After third grade we moved to Oak Park and it started all over again. New school but now its a mixed school, most of the kids had went to school together since Kindergarten so they weren't trying to get to know me. I remember telling the teacher and she told they will come around. One day I guess I was being too talkative or something and I remember the teacher saying something to me like "That's why noone likes you". Wow!!! That burns and I was pretty much silent for the rest of the year. But as school went on I made some friends and school turned around for me. But in the middle of sixth grade we moved again and now I was in another new school. Even though I was back in the neighborhood I only knew a few kids because I wasnt allowed to go anywhere except for my block and the first school I went to wasnt in the neighborhood. It wasn't so bad because I knew a couple of girls from my block at the school. But then I made a mistake of telling someone that I liked this boy in my class and the harassing started. He just did mean shit to me all the time. Throwing my jacket in the sprinklers, chasing my brother and I down the street with ice cream and putting it in our faces all because I thought he was cute. Really??? But the teasing didnt stop there, I was always the butt of my so called friends jokes. We would play rope and I would turns 12,000 turns and when it came to me jumping they didnt want to play anymore. Then came seventh grade, the worse year in my school history. I went to a new school and these kids were the biggest assholes of them all. One of the popular girls didn't like me and it made most of the class not like me. One time I had to carry a tray downstairs after lunch and this boy started talking crazy to him, I ignored him and he walked up and slapped me in the face. When I got back to class everyone was looking cause he told them what he did and I started crying. The teacher asked what happened and I told her but he told her I hit him first so we both got detention. The popular girl decided to really torture me by saying that I stink. One day we were getting on the bus and they threw a bar of soap at me. I was so devastated I spent 3 hours in the tub when I got home. They talked my hair even though it was long it was kinky so whenever my mom would go too long without giving me a perm it would draw up and I didn't know how to style it. Well needless to say I was failing every class because I couldn't concentrate. The teachers were no help and sad to say neither was my mom and grandma. After awhile I just stopped telling anyone. When my mom cussed me out about my grades I would just sit there, I knew I was suffering but she didn't understand.
8th grade year I went to yet another school. Well the kids at this school were cool. I had went to summer school there for failing the first half of 7th grade so I knew a couple of people.
8th grade was a good year, I did get teased but it was more in fun than torturous. Just as it look like things were getting better, high school came and it started all over again. I had a thicker skin by then but it still hurt.
Even outside of school things werent all that great, my so called friends made fun of me since I was bigger than them. Once I was hanging outside with my girls, and one of them was playing around with this boy that liked her. My mom saw them and jokingly told her she was gonna tell her mom. She told my other friend my mom was just mad because no boys would play with me. And that when her mom saw she was gaining wait she took away her money for snacks. My friend came and told me what she said and when I asked her she just gave me the Kaye shrug and was like that's how I feel. I couldn't believe it.
I remember when I was a freshman I was on the bus to school and this girl was talking about one of her teachers. So she's going on and on about her teacher being stupid and a drunk and all this and I turned around and looked at her. I guess I looked to long because she looked over at me and gave me this mean glare, so I turned around. She says something to her friends like people be all in her business. Then she asked another freshmen girl did she know me and one of the girls was like naw she don't know her because she wouldn't associate with someone like her. "Like me" You don't even know me. I hadn't spoken two words to anyone. Then they started talking about how I carry my books to school. I carried my books because I wanted a certain type of book bag and my mom hadn't bought yet. I remember her friend coming to up to me when we got to school apologizing to me. Well she was a year ahead of me so 3 years of teasing would commence from her and her friends. By sophomore year it didnt bother me as much because I had found the girls that would be my little crew and it made high school all worth while.
As sit here and write this I feel a big load being lifted off myself. I found myself tearing up because some of these things I had forgotten until I started writing. I probably put too much in but I need to release this. For years I managed to put those days in the back of my mind. Some of the things were buried so far that I almost believed I saw it on TV versus it happening to me. Some of the people I mentioned are on my FB page but its not about them its about me. I need to move on in my life and stop harboring these feelings. I never thought it affected who I was as a grown up until I saw this special on 48 mystery or something like that about bullying. All I could think about was what I went through and how if had not been for God I might have wanted to kill myself too. I watch that weeks ago but it stayed on my mind about how much of my personality was defined by that. I had developed this fear speak in public because I thought people would be making fun of me. I developed a love for food because it was the only thing that comforted me. I had developed a emotionless state because wearing your feelings on your sleeve always got you hurt. And I'm loud and overly opinionated because I felt like Noone ever listened to me. I hope this blog will help someone else because I know I'm not only one. I hope it will help those that have been teased to confront those feelings that were buried years ago and a person that teases to understand how you make a person feel. Thank you Lord for giving me the courage to write this blog.
I remember when I was in elementary school, our school sponsored a summer camp/school and every year I went. Well this one summer I went and the first day I walked in and saw one of the mean girls from school. I remember being afraid and going into the bathroom and sitting there for like 1hour and a half. The teacher had to come and get me and I was crying because I didn't want to go out there with her. She wasn't a bully she just was teased me all the time. I remember sitting there in class with all these kids around me talking about me. All I could do was cry because I didn't know how to defend myself. After third grade we moved to Oak Park and it started all over again. New school but now its a mixed school, most of the kids had went to school together since Kindergarten so they weren't trying to get to know me. I remember telling the teacher and she told they will come around. One day I guess I was being too talkative or something and I remember the teacher saying something to me like "That's why noone likes you". Wow!!! That burns and I was pretty much silent for the rest of the year. But as school went on I made some friends and school turned around for me. But in the middle of sixth grade we moved again and now I was in another new school. Even though I was back in the neighborhood I only knew a few kids because I wasnt allowed to go anywhere except for my block and the first school I went to wasnt in the neighborhood. It wasn't so bad because I knew a couple of girls from my block at the school. But then I made a mistake of telling someone that I liked this boy in my class and the harassing started. He just did mean shit to me all the time. Throwing my jacket in the sprinklers, chasing my brother and I down the street with ice cream and putting it in our faces all because I thought he was cute. Really??? But the teasing didnt stop there, I was always the butt of my so called friends jokes. We would play rope and I would turns 12,000 turns and when it came to me jumping they didnt want to play anymore. Then came seventh grade, the worse year in my school history. I went to a new school and these kids were the biggest assholes of them all. One of the popular girls didn't like me and it made most of the class not like me. One time I had to carry a tray downstairs after lunch and this boy started talking crazy to him, I ignored him and he walked up and slapped me in the face. When I got back to class everyone was looking cause he told them what he did and I started crying. The teacher asked what happened and I told her but he told her I hit him first so we both got detention. The popular girl decided to really torture me by saying that I stink. One day we were getting on the bus and they threw a bar of soap at me. I was so devastated I spent 3 hours in the tub when I got home. They talked my hair even though it was long it was kinky so whenever my mom would go too long without giving me a perm it would draw up and I didn't know how to style it. Well needless to say I was failing every class because I couldn't concentrate. The teachers were no help and sad to say neither was my mom and grandma. After awhile I just stopped telling anyone. When my mom cussed me out about my grades I would just sit there, I knew I was suffering but she didn't understand.
8th grade year I went to yet another school. Well the kids at this school were cool. I had went to summer school there for failing the first half of 7th grade so I knew a couple of people.
8th grade was a good year, I did get teased but it was more in fun than torturous. Just as it look like things were getting better, high school came and it started all over again. I had a thicker skin by then but it still hurt.
Even outside of school things werent all that great, my so called friends made fun of me since I was bigger than them. Once I was hanging outside with my girls, and one of them was playing around with this boy that liked her. My mom saw them and jokingly told her she was gonna tell her mom. She told my other friend my mom was just mad because no boys would play with me. And that when her mom saw she was gaining wait she took away her money for snacks. My friend came and told me what she said and when I asked her she just gave me the Kaye shrug and was like that's how I feel. I couldn't believe it.
I remember when I was a freshman I was on the bus to school and this girl was talking about one of her teachers. So she's going on and on about her teacher being stupid and a drunk and all this and I turned around and looked at her. I guess I looked to long because she looked over at me and gave me this mean glare, so I turned around. She says something to her friends like people be all in her business. Then she asked another freshmen girl did she know me and one of the girls was like naw she don't know her because she wouldn't associate with someone like her. "Like me" You don't even know me. I hadn't spoken two words to anyone. Then they started talking about how I carry my books to school. I carried my books because I wanted a certain type of book bag and my mom hadn't bought yet. I remember her friend coming to up to me when we got to school apologizing to me. Well she was a year ahead of me so 3 years of teasing would commence from her and her friends. By sophomore year it didnt bother me as much because I had found the girls that would be my little crew and it made high school all worth while.
As sit here and write this I feel a big load being lifted off myself. I found myself tearing up because some of these things I had forgotten until I started writing. I probably put too much in but I need to release this. For years I managed to put those days in the back of my mind. Some of the things were buried so far that I almost believed I saw it on TV versus it happening to me. Some of the people I mentioned are on my FB page but its not about them its about me. I need to move on in my life and stop harboring these feelings. I never thought it affected who I was as a grown up until I saw this special on 48 mystery or something like that about bullying. All I could think about was what I went through and how if had not been for God I might have wanted to kill myself too. I watch that weeks ago but it stayed on my mind about how much of my personality was defined by that. I had developed this fear speak in public because I thought people would be making fun of me. I developed a love for food because it was the only thing that comforted me. I had developed a emotionless state because wearing your feelings on your sleeve always got you hurt. And I'm loud and overly opinionated because I felt like Noone ever listened to me. I hope this blog will help someone else because I know I'm not only one. I hope it will help those that have been teased to confront those feelings that were buried years ago and a person that teases to understand how you make a person feel. Thank you Lord for giving me the courage to write this blog.
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