It's over now

Well the last blog freed of some feelings that I held deep inside about my childhood. But I really had not let it all go, see there was one thing bothering me. I never understood why this happened to me. Why was I the target of ridicule, why was I the weird one, why didn't people like me? See the funny thing is I had convinced myself years ago that it didn't matter to me how people felt about me because I loved myself. And I really do love myself, I knew that my past had given me a confidence that was deep but there was still insecurities there. I had let the pass go and moved on. I didn't realize how my past really effected me until this year. 2011 has been a year of revelations for me. God has pulled some things out that I didnt even know was there. Today we dealt with the Why's. You see even though I put the past behind me, I had not really let it go. I just buried it in my big toe (so to speak) stored it away and this weekend it popped up again. I started having these feelings again, why this person didn't like me or accept me and it had me bummed out, not because they didn't like me but the Why? But what was really bothering me was the fact that I actually cared. In my mind a weak persons cares what others think, so it had me sad and angry all at the same time. Well I slept on it until this morning. This morning changed my life in 1 hour. In an hour God answered the question I had been asking all my life. Today on our church's prayer line, my Pastor dealt with frienemies. When she said the title I instantly knew today was for me. I heard God tell me we are dealing with this today. Before we started to pray my Pastor gave some scripture and background on frienemies. One thing she said stuck out, she said its not you that's being attacked it's the God in you. I begin to cry because I knew that's what had been going on in my life all my life. As a child I was always so happy, smiling and laughing. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE TO LAUGH. There is nothing in my life that makes me feel better (besides singing) than a good laugh. God started showing me my life and how my happiness made people dislike me. See they looked at my outside and decided that I had nothing to be happy about. In no shape or form was I what society said I was supposed to be yet I was smiling all the time. And it wasn't a fake smile is was genuine. That's what people were attacking, the part of me that knew God even when I didn't know I knew God. Today I thank God for deliverance. I actually feel this weight lifted off me and now that I understand I can truly start being who God has called me to be, I can go back to that genuinely happy person I used to be. The funny thing is in the last two months I have been going back to that person and the devil did everything in his power to break my spirit and I wouldn't let him. He had to open up some old wounds that hadn't healed to get under my skin. But I serve a GOD THAT IS AWESOME AND FAITHFUL and he came and delivered me THANK U JESUS!! It's like my Pastor always says, the devil shouldnt have kept me while he had me cause he fooled around and let me get SAVED for real