New Year

Well a new year has began all ready and this will be my first blog, mainly because the year has started a little hectic but I stay prayed up so I know that God is with me every step of the way. New Year's Eve I was at a funeral for a young man barely 20 and it was sad because his death was so sudden, it brought me back to the death of my brother and the questions. Why God why did you take him so young? I spent the rest of the evening with my cousin and our friend Angie, just hanging out, pigging out and laughing like old times. Lord knows I really needed to connect with my girls and enjoy their company. My BFF couldnt make it she had to work. The just as I was coming down off that high, getting myself ready for school, my hubby's grandmother passed away. Considering the last post I made you would have thought I didnt show. But how many know that God will put you where you need to be. I spent the entire week with his mom, helping her make the preparations. I'm learning not to question God and just do what he says because I know something good will come out of it. I had the best time. Now I know that sounds crazy but I did. Nana was a no nonsense type of person, she didn't like all that extra mess, we shed tears then we enjoyed family time. I guess we had been preparing ourselves for it since she had been sick for a while. And just as I was starting to rest from that my friend Nina called crying her bestfriend also died, and her death was suddenly. I don't know what all this death means but I'm sure trying to be right with God so I can make it through the gates. I can tell this year is going to be different. I'm keeping my head to the sky and really looking for the miracles God is going to do suddenly.

MONSTER IN LAW

I have loved this man forever and all that has come with this life, and let me tell you it has not been easy. With the children and baby mamas I have had enough drama to last a life time. But noone has cause me more drama and irritation than the woman that birthed him. My Mother-in-law. My mother in law is the type of woman that would  make someone want to divorce this man. She is crazy as hell and destine on making my life miserable or his life but either way it will affect me some kind of way. I want to tell you about her. I know some of you will read this and find that most of it is my fault in one way or another. When my hubby and I first started getting serious I will admit I started having a relationship with her to make him see I was the one. You know the old saying if you can get in good with his momma you got em. So I would call her and talk, go by and spend hours with her and his kids just to show this man I loved him. And I mean she was cool, I really enjoyed her company,my hubby always had something negative to say about her and I would take up for her. I would tell him not to treat his momma like that and he would tell me "you don't know her just wait". I got pregnant with our son and she was accepting that I was having his baby, she didn't dismiss him as the father or anything like that. Then she started doing something that at the time I really was too young and dumb to know what she was really on. She started calling me and discussing with me the behavior of my stepdaughter(but we werent married then). I remember one particular day she called to talk to me and I was at work, when I came home my grandmother told me she called and asked her to have me called her back because she wanted to talk to me about my stepdaughter.My grandmother asked her why was she calling me she needed to call her son. I remember my grandmother telling me that she only wanted me to be with her son cause she wanted me to help him take care of the kids. And all was well until my baby boy was born. It started off with her promising to make him a blanket and needless to say he's 13 now and never did get that blanket. It would be little things like that at first. Then we got married and OMG the monster in law emerged. See the one real bad thing about her is that she super phony she will smile in your face and talk mad ish behind your back. I started noticing the difference she made in the children. She acted like she couldnt stand my stepdaughter but she was sooo in love with my step son. My son could never spend the night without a good reason and she was always putting my stepkids off on me. She started calling me all the time about them, never wanting to talk to my husband always wanting to talk to me. You would have thought I was her daughter. Then I really got to see her true colors when we moved in with her for a while. She expected for me to do everything, I'm suppose to cook, keep the house clean, watch the children and her son and even her daughter didn't have to do anything. Well needless to say when we moved out our relationship changed. I wouldn't talk to her as much and would try to get him to deal with her more. But that just made things worse because she would take it out on the kids. She would do little ish like, i would take my step daughter and get her done and when she would come home she was say stuff to her like when your hair falls out don't ask me to fix it. It was becoming blatantly obvious that she was jealous. And a big liar. She would lie to my daughter about me all the time or she would lie on my daughter to me. Just causing drama for no reason. So now my step daughter has graduated and has moved out of her house and she rarely talks to her, when she does call there its to talk to her brother. So now she uses that, she won't let her talk to her great grandma or her brother when she calls. So they have to sneak and call each other when she is not home. OH I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY STEP SON TO GRADUATE. Then we won't have to deal with her at all CRAZY WITCH!! Sorry ya'll I need to vent, had more but I would never stop typing if I typed it all.

It's over now

Well the last blog freed of some feelings that I held deep inside about my childhood. But I really had not let it all go, see there was one thing bothering me. I never understood why this happened to me. Why was I the target of ridicule, why was I the weird one, why didn't people like me? See the funny thing is I had convinced myself years ago that it didn't matter to me how people felt about me because I loved myself. And I really do love myself, I knew that my past had given me a confidence that was deep but there was still insecurities there. I had let the pass go and moved on. I didn't realize how my past really effected me until this year. 2011 has been a year of revelations for me. God has pulled some things out that I didnt even know was there. Today we dealt with the Why's. You see even though I put the past behind me, I had not really let it go. I just buried it in my big toe (so to speak) stored it away and this weekend it popped up again. I started having these feelings again, why this person didn't like me or accept me and it had me bummed out, not because they didn't like me but the Why? But what was really bothering me was the fact that I actually cared. In my mind a weak persons cares what others think, so it had me sad and angry all at the same time. Well I slept on it until this morning. This morning changed my life in 1 hour. In an hour God answered the question I had been asking all my life. Today on our church's prayer line, my Pastor dealt with frienemies. When she said the title I instantly knew today was for me. I heard God tell me we are dealing with this today. Before we started to pray my Pastor gave some scripture and background on frienemies. One thing she said stuck out, she said its not you that's being attacked it's the God in you. I begin to cry because I knew that's what had been going on in my life all my life. As a child I was always so happy, smiling and laughing. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE TO LAUGH. There is nothing in my life that makes me feel better (besides singing) than a good laugh. God started showing me my life and how my happiness made people dislike me. See they looked at my outside and decided that I had nothing to be happy about. In no shape or form was I what society said I was supposed to be yet I was smiling all the time. And it wasn't a fake smile is was genuine. That's what people were attacking, the part of me that knew God even when I didn't know I knew God. Today I thank God for deliverance. I actually feel this weight lifted off me and now that I understand I can truly start being who God has called me to be, I can go back to that genuinely happy person I used to be. The funny thing is in the last two months I have been going back to that person and the devil did everything in his power to break my spirit and I wouldn't let him. He had to open up some old wounds that hadn't healed to get under my skin. But I serve a GOD THAT IS AWESOME AND FAITHFUL and he came and delivered me THANK U JESUS!! It's like my Pastor always says, the devil shouldnt have kept me while he had me cause he fooled around and let me get SAVED for real

Sticks and Stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me. Not True words can hurt!!!

So I'm sitting here at work, thinking about how my life is changing. I realized that its time to set my soul free and talk about the thing I believe is my darkest demon As a child I was always so happy but I was tortured. I think this today's blog will be a tell all type of blog. All my life I've been a big girl, and as a kid sometimes it made my life hell. As a child I was teased unmercifully from being heavy, to my teeth, my hair, my voice, the way I talked, the way I sing anything they could find to belittle me they did. I was a very sensitive child so it really hurt me. I would come home and cry to my mom but I don't think she really knew what to do so she kinda dismissed it. The neighborhood kids all had older brothers and sisters so they would bother me because I didnt have anyone over me. Once I was sitting on the porch and it seemed like the whole neighborhood walked down and offered me some candy. I said yes and when they went to pour me some it was a dead bug inside. Of course I went in the house crying because I was only like 7 years old. Once my mom took me summer shopping and she bought me some plastic bangles. These girls from another block came over to me and asked could they see them. I let me and they ran off and went around the corner, when they came back they had broken them.

I remember when I was in elementary school, our school sponsored a summer camp/school and every year I went. Well this one summer I went and the first day I walked in and saw one of the mean girls from school. I remember being afraid and going into the bathroom and sitting there for like 1hour and a half. The teacher had to come and get me and I was crying because I didn't want to go out there with her. She wasn't a bully she just was teased me all the time. I remember sitting there in class with all these kids around me talking about me. All I could do was cry because I didn't know how to defend myself. After third grade we moved to Oak Park and it started all over again. New school but now its a mixed school, most of the kids had went to school together since Kindergarten so they weren't trying to get to know me. I remember telling the teacher and she told they will come around. One day I guess I was being too talkative or something and I remember the teacher saying something to me like "That's why noone likes you". Wow!!! That burns and I was pretty much silent for the rest of the year. But as school went on I made some friends and school turned around for me. But in the middle of sixth grade we moved again and now I was in another new school. Even though I was back in the neighborhood I only knew a few kids because I wasnt allowed to go anywhere except for my block and the first school I went to wasnt in the neighborhood. It wasn't so bad because I knew a couple of girls from my block at the school. But then I made a mistake of telling someone that I liked this boy in my class and the harassing started. He just did mean shit to me all the time. Throwing my jacket in the sprinklers, chasing my brother and I down the street with ice cream and putting it in our faces all because I thought he was cute. Really??? But the teasing didnt stop there, I was always the butt of my so called friends jokes. We would play rope and I would turns 12,000 turns and when it came to me jumping they didnt want to play anymore. Then came seventh grade, the worse year in my school history. I went to a new school and these kids were the biggest assholes of them all. One of the popular girls didn't like me and it made most of the class not like me. One time I had to carry a tray downstairs after lunch and this boy started talking crazy to him, I ignored him and he walked up and slapped me in the face. When I got back to class everyone was looking cause he told them what he did and I started crying. The teacher asked what happened and I told her but he told her I hit him first so we both got detention. The popular girl decided to really torture me by saying that I stink. One day we were getting on the bus and they threw a bar of soap at me. I was so devastated I spent 3 hours in the tub when I got home. They talked my hair even though it was long it was kinky so whenever my mom would go too long without giving me a perm it would draw up and I didn't know how to style it. Well needless to say I was failing every class because I couldn't concentrate. The teachers were no help and sad to say neither was my mom and grandma. After awhile I just stopped telling anyone. When my mom cussed me out about my grades I would just sit there, I knew I was suffering but she didn't understand.

8th grade year I went to yet another school. Well the kids at this school were cool. I had went to summer school there for failing the first half of 7th grade so I knew a couple of people.
8th grade was a good year, I did get teased but it was more in fun than torturous. Just as it look like things were getting better, high school came and it started all over again. I had a thicker skin by then but it still hurt.
Even outside of school things werent all that great, my so called friends made fun of me since I was bigger than them. Once I was hanging outside with my girls, and one of them was playing around with this boy that liked her. My mom saw them and jokingly told her she was gonna tell her mom. She told my other friend my mom was just mad because no boys would play with me. And that when her mom saw she was gaining wait she took away her money for snacks. My friend came and told me what she said and when I asked her she just gave me the Kaye shrug and was like that's how I feel. I couldn't believe it.
 I remember when I was a freshman I was on the bus to school and this girl was talking about one of her teachers. So she's going on and on about her teacher being stupid and a drunk and all this and I turned around and looked at her. I guess I looked to long because she looked over at me and gave me this mean glare, so I turned around. She says something to her friends like people be all in her business. Then she asked another freshmen girl did she know me and one of the girls was like naw she don't know her because she wouldn't associate with someone like her. "Like me" You don't even know me. I hadn't spoken two words to anyone. Then they started talking about how I carry my books to school.  I carried my books because I wanted a certain type of book bag and my mom hadn't bought yet. I remember her friend coming to up to me when we got to school apologizing to me. Well she was a year ahead of me so 3 years of teasing would commence from her and her friends. By sophomore year it didnt bother me as much because I had found the girls that would be my little crew and it made high school all worth while.
As sit here and write this I feel a big load being lifted off myself. I found myself tearing up because some of these things I had forgotten until I started writing. I probably put too much in but I need to release this. For years I managed to put those days in the back of my mind. Some of the things were buried so far that I almost believed I saw it on TV versus it happening to me. Some of the people I mentioned are on my FB page but its not about them its about me. I need to move on in my life and stop harboring these feelings. I never thought it affected who I was as a grown up until I saw this special on 48 mystery or something like that about bullying. All I could think about was what I went through and how if had not been for God I might have wanted to kill myself too. I watch that weeks ago but it stayed on my mind about how much of my personality was defined by that. I had developed this fear speak in public because I thought people would be making fun of me. I developed a love for food because it was the only thing that comforted me. I had developed a emotionless state because wearing your feelings on your sleeve always got you hurt. And I'm loud and overly opinionated because I felt like Noone ever listened to me. I hope this blog will help someone else because I know I'm not only one. I hope it will help those that have been teased to confront those feelings that were buried years ago and a person that teases to understand how you make a person feel. Thank you Lord for giving me the courage to write this blog.

17 years Sept. 17, 1994-until forever

Well this past Saturday My hubby and I celebrated our 17 year anniversary of being together. Looking back, I think about the day we met and how it started out as and ordinary Saturday, cleaning up my room listening to Blackstreet not doing anything in particular. I remember my best friend telling me about him but me not really being interested because I really didnt like hook ups. For me they never worked out plus I was calling myself being in love with this other dude (not a good choice) who was not loving me back. Thank God he went to jail because I was released to finally allow my best friend to hook me up. Ok that was mean but if u knew dude you would know that is was in no way good for me. Anyway she called with her guy on the line. My hubby was his best friend so they were trying to come up with a way for us to meet. So we're talking and next thing I know they say oh by the way Devitt's on the line. So now I'm irritated cause I didnt have my cute voice on (the one I would usually use when talking to a boy lol) so I just give him this dry hi. He speaks back and asks me if I will come to my best friend's house to meet him. I agree and we hang up, I spend the next couple of hours doing my hair and finding something to wear. Needless to say I wasn't enthusiastic at all. So I get there and we wait for them to come. When they arrived it was three of them. Another one of their friends had come along. I remember coming out on my best friend's porch and there stood her boyfriend and their other friend, my hubby was standing off the porch. I remember thinking his other friend was cute hoping that was him. LMAO (thats so funny now, considering dude is more like a brother to me now) I couldnt really see Devitt because it was dark and he used to like to wear his hat down over his eyebrows. Well we decided to go hang on her back porch since her dad was home and he was occupying the living room. When we got to the back porch I got to see him in the light and I was like he's ok lol. As the night went on we got a chance to talk. He was teaching me how to play spades and I remember looking up into his eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, there is something about the brown in his eyes. It's soft and sweet, child like and to this day I love looking into his eyes. Well I was hooked from day one. When they left I was begging my best friend to have her guy to hook us up. I told her that's my husband, she was looking at me like I was a fool but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him that day. Our relationship began that day and I will tell ya it has been a roller coaster ride. We have been through some things but here it is 17 years later and we're still together and in love. That's the amazing part to me. How our love is so real. Our love has matured and its not fake or phony. It's like we went backwards lol the love we had in the beginning was there but it was nonchalant. We loved each other but we were selfish and complicated and uncompromising. And now our love is so beautiful, quiet and calm. I don't think I've cried once all year or had a deep argument that kept us from talking. I remember years ago we could go a week without speaking. And I spent more time crying and complaining than I ever did being happy. So yesterday we spend the whole day lying in each other's arms and he says to me "I will love you forever" I could have just died right then. It was like something right out of a movie seen but it was real because the look on his face and in eyes was so sincere, he loves me from his soul and I know that now. I finally realized how much God love me. Remember the part in Madea's Family Reunion when Cicely Tyson was describing the love she shared with her husband, and How God blessed her with this great love thats the kind of love I've found

How I feel

For the past couple of months, I have been getting closer to God. I try to spend time with him everyday reading to get some peace and clarity in my life. Its been working but it is a process so I still tend to get upset over some things. This year I set some goals and I haven't yet reached them but I realized that I didn't include God in them or better yet put him first so I understand why I haven't accomplished them. I get disappointed with myself when I set goals and don't accomplish them because it makes me feel like a failure, but in the past couple of months spending time with God has truly made me appreciate who I am yet becoming and helped me realize I need to slow down and take one thing at a time. That's why I chose to start with my relationship with God because I am a firm believer in once that one the right track everything else will fall into place. Financially this year has been difficult, some things were our fault and some couldn't be helped but God is truly teaching me how to lean on him in hard times and I have begun to understand the importance of keeping a good attitude while you're going through because it shows faith and activates God's power. I'm learning to speak to my mountains about how big my God is. God is helping me release some pains I have felt in my life. i spend 33 years looking for my father and his family and in March I found them. They didn't hesitate to welcome me with open arms and a lot of questions were answered. I began to understand more about who I am and where I came from. So this is the beginning of my blog, I'm not real good about opening up but I'm determined to be free by the end of this year

The Dawn of a new day

For the last 15 years of my life I have been the boss. My house usually runs according to the way I want it to, but it doesnt come without grief. I constantly have to fight with my husband about cleaning up. At first it was a no win argument because I didnt work and he did so even though I would spend my time cleaning up if he came in a messed up I would end up cleaning it up. Well for the last couple of months I have been working and unless my bestfriend or the kids cleaned up it would not get cleaned up. Eventually everyone stopped cleaning and it looked like a pigsty, and I would bitch and it would get cleaned. Well today was the last straw, I have spent all weekend trying to get him to clean up to no avail. We got into an argument about it, but instead of having an attitude I took a long look at what the problem was. Me. See I always coordinate stuff and get stuff together and make things in the house run smoothly. I usually give myself a headache doing this so now its time for me to stop. I am on strike!!! These people do not appreciate me and I'm tired of it. I get tired of always having to be the grown up so I'm not going to do it anymore. Let them worry about what's for dinner?, the house being clean or clean clothes, me I'm going to be carefree for once in my life. Maybe they can handle it maybe they can't we'll see what happens.